women: stop making lists about what you want in a guy
While taking a shit at my friend's place, I decided to explore what literature he had available next to the throne. I picked up a Men's Health and stumbled on a "8 things guys should stop doing" list, written by a girl. Ignoring the obvious problem that some dumb chick is writing for a men's magazine, I read it. It had the usual crap in it that most people are familiar with. "Pick up after yourself" and "stop talking to us like we're one of the guys." These lists are so fucking dumb.
First of all, no doofus is going to read a lame ass article written by some delusional chick and then suddenly change his perspective on life and on how to treat women. This is essentialy some dumb little girl's personal gripe about men that somehow made its way into Men's Health. As a side note, Men's Health is a pretty shitty magazine. Every month is the same fucking issue. Every issue claims to have the secrets to iron-like, oil-glistening, six pack abs within 10 minutes and the secret techniques of super-fucking that will create 83 orgasms for your woman - at once. There's always at least one page that explains how to do proper squats and deadlifts, or some crappy yoga-looking exercise involving a giant rubber dodge ball. Or whatever those things are. Then there's some obvious advice about how you should stop eating mayonaise for breakfast if you don't want to end up as a fatass. It's amazing how a magazine with a half-naked dude on the cover sells so well to other men.
Second - the tone on these lists are so fucking pompous. It's always got this know-it-all tone of voice, like we should all listen to you just because you got a cooch and you think you know what's best for us. One of the things on her list is "Stop blatantly looking at porn." That's one of the dumbest suggestions I've ever read in my life.
Cut this shit out with the unrealistic expectations - men are messy, stupid, and it's a proven fact that two out of three of them are assholes. Get used to it, or consider munching carpet for the rest of your life. Which I am fine with, as long as I get to watch.
Perhaps you will better understand how retarded these lists are if I made one just for women:
1. stop expecting dudes to read your mind
Women get mad at men for not having the psychic ability to figure out her crazy hormone drenched thinking. If I could read your mind, the first thing I would do is try to figure out how to get you to do a threesome with your hot friend - not figure out why you're mad. Maybe this dialog will sound familiar to you:
After noticing girl looks visibly upset...
Guy: What's wrong?
Girl (emphatically): Nothing.
Stop right there. That's where you done fucked up. If you say nothing, why the fuck would we pry further? How is that an indication that you expect him to pursue the issue? What the fuck kind of ass backward thinking makes you assume that, if you give him a negative response, he would continue in that same direction? It's like asking somebody, "Is this fifth street?" and they say, "No." And then you ask them again. And again. And again, until they say, "Why yes, this is in fact fifth street. Now that we got that out of the way, let's discuss our differences and misunderstandings!"
Either tell him straight up, or expect him to drop the issue and resume his porno watching or video games or whatever cool activity he was doing.
Guy: What's wrong?
Girl (emphatically): Nothing.
2. stop having periods
It's annoying and gross. And you're always really pissed off about it. So stop.
3. stop complaining that you are fat
Whether skinny or fat, all women complain that they're fat. It's pretty lame when some skinny chick says she's fat. Somewhere out there, a real fat girl is probably stuffing her face with ice cream because you said that, and now she has to make herself feel better by eating more. Good job you skinny lying bitch.
Don't think that just because you really are fat, that you are exempt from this. Nothing is as awkward as when a truly fat woman complains about being fat, and then I've got nothing left to do but to gawk at her fucking fat ass and sagging gut.
4. stop complaining that "you end up dating bad guys"
I fucking hate it when women say they "always end up dating bad guys" and then claim that it's because they have this inherent nice-ness that makes them want to change his ways. No. You're wrong. You date bad guys who treat you shitty because you're a fucking idiot. And he knows it, which is why he's not going to stop doing what he's doing. So stop victimizing yourself and making it look like you're some altruistic good girl by saying that you keep falling for the bad guys. In reality, you're just a total dumbass and for some reason nature never provided you with a sense of self-preservation. This might be a conflict in interest for me though, because these are usually the stupid bitches I get to hook up with.
5. silence is golden
Sometimes, I really don't want to hear about your day. It's not that I don't care - I just want you to shut up so I can watch UFC and drink my beer.
6. why don't YOU open the door for ME
Women are the biggest hypocrites ever. Always wanting to be taken care of, yet to be given ample space and independance - and most of the time women can't figure out where the fucking middle ground is. They are the biggest supporters of double standards; always demanding certain rights and forgoing responsibilities that come with it. They always want to be cuddled, coddled and want you to be sweet to them, but they don't want you to be sissy and want you to be a man. Can't you make up your fucking mind? Or maybe you can just shut the fuck up and open the door for me once in a while, you whiny whore.
7. stop whining about the lack of good guys
There's a point where your nagging about the insufficient amount of good men in the world becomes just plain retarded. Don't blame men for your shortcomings and your inability to compromise. Stop expecting us to be all perfect like those fucking pussy ass nancy boys in Korean dramas.
"All the good men are either taken or gay."
No. You're fat, stupid and have a crappy personality and have unrealistic expectations that are unwarranted by your ugly face. That's why you can't get a good guy. Have a nice day, bitch.
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1991