Why One Should Knock Before Shitting in Front of a Door
During my sophomore year in college, Aaron, the Residential Assistant (RA) on the 4th floor of the Foster-Walker Complex dorm, was pretty much the biggest cock sucker ever. His sole purpose in life was to make it as hard as possible for me and my friends to enjoy life. He was like one of those people who takes his job more seriously than he really should; like parking meter enforcers and DMV workers. People of slight authority who hold no real significance, but can cause all sorts of shit for you - and most of all, they will, because they know this is all they have in their insignificant lives. Basically, he thought that he was actually doing the "right" thing by giving us shit all the time.
In general he was just an annoying jackass, but the last straw was when one night
Walsh
had used the emergency exit to go buy some cigarettes (everybody uses the emergency exit). Aaron was about 50 yards away on the other side of the building, and he saw Walsh leaving. Aaron broke into a sprint, chased down Walsh and then wrote him the equivalent of a ticket. It notifies the administration of a student who violates school policies. At that exact moment, somebody else used the emergency exit, and Aaron completely ignored this. Walsh brought to Aaron's attention the seemingly unfair situation, but Aaron just gave him a shrug.
When another one of my closest friends,
Donny Box
and I heard about what happened, we knew we had to get even.
Donny in general is a very calm fellow. Christian, caring, and kind; the type of nice dude bitches love ripping the heart out of. The only problem is that Donny is also easily influenced - which is where I come in to play.
Oh, and he's also pretty much the dirtiest hygiene-ignorant person I've ever met. He thrives on filth and disease and is badly allergic to soap. If there is ever a nuclear fallout, cockroaches and Donny will be the only things left alive.
My friends are notorious for making sure that we get our revenge one way or another, and we are extremely patient in waiting for the opportunity. That opportunity had finally presented itself to me and Donny a few weeks later, albeit not in a fashion that really required our usual planning or finesse.
It was 4 AM and Donny and I were drunkenly stumbling through the hallways. Donny tends to get a little giddy when he's drunk, so he was giggling like a little bitch the entire way. I was trying to figure out how I was going to get laid which was not going to happen at Northwestern unless I was planning on fucking a library book. Eventually we pass Aaron's door where we both come to a halting stop. We stare at his door. We look at each other.
Donny says to me, "Dude, I really gotta take a piss."
"You should take a piss on this fucker's door. He's going to smell your piss for a week. It'll be awesome."
Donny barely even contemplates this. He's already whipping his cock out as he says, "Okay, okay, watch out for people coming."
I look down the halls to make sure we're clear. Before I give Donny the okay, I already hear the relieving trickling of piss hitting the door, and splashing onto the carpet. I conjure up an image of Aaron stepping into the piss moist carpet the next morning, and smelling the sourness of hours-old piss. I bust out laughing as Donny starts flicking his dick which was causing the piss to splash all over the door and walls.
"Shut up I can't piss while I'm laughing. It hurts."
Once he finishes, we observe his handy work. It was a sizable puddle in front of his door, and one that Donny should be very proud of. There were splashes of urine on both sides of the door, and over the doorknob as well. It wouldn't have been so bad if it were just regular yellow piss. Instead Donny was releasing the dark, sinfully-yellow urination of a dehydrated man who hasn't seen water in three days.
In the midst of laughing at the handy work of Donny, I feel a familiar urgency.
"Hey Donny. I really have to take a shit."
Donny looks at me and we both knew what had to be done.
I walk over to Aaron's door, pull my shorts down, go into squatter position and get to work. About two more seconds pass before Donny starts squealing out a hysterical laugh. At that point, I couldn't control it anymore and I began to laugh. The laughing was causing convulsions in my body, which made my ass contract and my body shake. It was causing my shit to come out in spurts. This only made me and Donny laugh harder, and soon enough my turds were flying in every direction and angle.
Suddenly the door flies open.
Still squating, I whip my head backwards. I freeze.
I look at the complete look of shock in Aaron's face. He looks down at my naked squatting ass crack with a turd log only half way out.
We lock eyes.
My shit finally drops to the ground. It makes a soft, wet plop in the piss-damp carpet.
As if that was the racer's gun that just went off, everything goes into a fucking blur.
Donny shrieks and makes a fucking run for it. He starts tearing through the hallways in an olympian sprint. I jump up and pull my shorts up. Aaron starts coming after me and without thinking I run through the nearest open door. In my panic-ridden state I slam the door close and lock it - only to realize I had trapped myself in a bathroom. Aaron begins banging on the door, yelling what I guess he presumes to be intimidating threats.
"Hey! I know you're in there!"
"I'm coming after you!"
"I can get the keys for this!"
I was pretty much fucked at this point, but I did what needed to be done first. I start wiping my ass, washing my hands and cleaning up. C'mon - I have to maintain my humanity here. After a few more minutes of banging on the door, I hear him on the phone.
"Hello? Yeah. It's me, Aaron. Yeah. I know it's late, but I've got a problem. Yes. Somebody took - a - shit in front of my door. Yes. Shit. I don't know. He's in the bathroom right now hiding. Yes, I need the master key. We need that to open this. Ok. Yeah. Fine. Bye."
I hear Aaron walking back and forth. I hear him pulling out paper towels from an adjacent bathroom, and a subsequent flush. That's when I realized he's cleaning up my shit. This was one of the sweetest moments in my life. That idiot was picking up turds with paper towel off the floor. MY turds.
My thoughts quickly turned back to my situation, and all the adrenaline had sobered me up. They would kick me out of the dorm, if not school, if I were caught with this. Once they get this door open, it's over. There's nothing I could do. But I'll be damned if I was going to get punished for carrying out justice.
At that point, I remembered one small detail: Aaron's just a little bitch.
I kick the door open, grab Aaron by the collar, and with all my strength, I hurl his ass out of my way and run out the nearest exit. I throw the door open and began sprinting down the stairwell, as I hear him yelling behind me. Plain and simple, I had gotten away. Donny and I had succeeded in our mission. We had left a pile of shit and a puddle of piss right in front of the door of Aaron, the Foster Walker Complex 4th floor RA of 2003-2004. I hear later on that night that Aaron was wandering the halls all night trying to catch us. The first thing he did was go straight to the room of
Thighs, another one of my closest friends. As usual, he was up all night playing video games, watching porno and breaking his favorite rule, the "no smoking in the dorms" rule. A frustrated Aaron busted open his door at about 4:30 AM in the morning to ask him this:
Aaron: You wouldn't happen to know...anything...about...um...excrement in the hallways. Would you?
Thighs immediately knew it was us. Doing his best not to laugh, he simply gave Aaron a confused shrug and returned about his business.
There's not a day goes by without me thinking that Me and Donny, for one night, were servants of justice and made the world a better place. We left a pile of shit and a puddle of piss right in front of the biggest piece of shit RA ever to grace Northwestern.
Several weeks later I saw Aaron in the stairwell. He instantly recognized me as the fucker who shat in front of his door, but I played it calm and cool. I pretended like I had never seen this guy before in my life, and just walked right by him. He didn't say a word. I assume it's because Foster-Walker is a dorm of about 500 students and 495 of them are Asian. Even if he thought it was me, there would be no way his dumbass would ever be sure it was me, or even prove it was me. I didn't see him for the rest of the year anyways, but I do secretly wish he reads this someday just so that he knows that it was me, and it was probably one of the highest points of my college life. I do have one piece of advice though: If you're going to do what we did, you might want to knock first to make sure nobody's home.
Stumble It!
Bookmark this on Delicious
2269