Harry Potter doesn't have enough badass spells
After reading the final Harry Potter book, I came to realization that this shit needs to be
classified as a Class 1 Controlled Substance. This shit is so addictive it's got people lining
up at 3AM in the morning just trying to score a hit. And then they're up for the
next 3 days, eyes blood shot and wired as fuck. Last time I heard, that's what happens
when you snort crank, not when you read a fucking book.
I won't deny it. Any book that gets these spoiled little animals that you call kids these days
to read, is a good thing. Not that it matters, because I'm still going to talk shit. First of all,
the "unforgivable
curses." If I was a wizard, there would be at least 100. 3? That's all Rowling could think of?
This chick is supposed to be some sort of creative genius of our generation and she couldn't think
of a couple of more
curses? Mind control, killing and torture. Are you fucking joking? These are spells for fucking
pussies. I'd make all sorts of bad ass spells. Like an Ass Rape spell, or a Spread Herpes spell.
Fuck this "expeliarmus" bullshit. Everybody's going to be saying, "ass-rapio" by the time I'm
through with Hogwarts.
I'm pretty sure I would have kicked Voldermort's ass without a problem. I'd first
cast the "Itis" spell on him. As he attempts to fight off the incapacitating feeling of complete
ultimate satisfcation of having BBQ Ribs and Chili Nachos in his stomach, I'll blind his ass with a
"Skeet Skeet in Your Eyes" spell. I'll finish him off by
summoning twenty of those gay ass centaurs with horse dicks to mushroom stamp him until he dies
and then bukkake on his rotting corpse for good measure.
I would make such a badass wizard.
My wand would be
a pimp cane and my patronus would be Samuel L. Jackson who'd come out and kick everybody's ass
in the room and then chug a beer with me. I'd always keep a line of hos nearby who are imperiused
to do my every bidding. I wouldn't fly on no stupid ass broom either. I'd fly around on a
wheel chair with chrome 24's while I cast "Grab-a-Titty" spells on random hot girls walking around.
Potter ain't got shit on me.
Also, I dont think broom riding is possible. It might work okay for girls, but there's no way a
dude could comfortably ride a broom. I like how nobody actually uses brooms for what they're
supposed to be used for in the book.
Harry Potter is such a dumbass name. All awesomely bad ass heroes have cool names.
Batman, the Tick, Captain Jack Sparrow...What the fuck is Harry Potter? That's like the name
of a kid who gets his ass kicked for lunch money every day.
Lastly, I think Ron Weasley's a fucking pussy, and Cho Chang's a dirty whore.
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