A Guide for Asian Parents on Raising Asian Children Part 2
Click here to read part 1.
7) Apply Guilt Liberally
One of the best weapons amongst an Asian parent's arsenal is guilt. Guilt is the driving force behind many Asian children and it is one of the few things that will keep them in line aside from beating them with the nearest household cleaning tool.
a) "Do you realize how lucky you are?"
Asian children will never appreciate how lucky they are in comparison to you. At least, not unless you rub it in their face as much as possible. Because you did such a good job of providing them a better future, now they have no idea how to appreciate it. In order to fix this, you must constantly berate them about everything they have and make them feel guilty for all the things you've provided. If they still don't understand, be content with beating them and screaming things about being unappreciative and mentally retarded and your child will be probably be guilted into doing the right thing.
b) "Why are you doing this to me?"
This is especially useful when your child makes unconventional decisions regarding his or her life. The idea is to redirect the focus to a much more relevant topic: You. Does your child want to commit his life to some nonsense like theater or some other hippie art bullshit? Such a risky career could mean that your child could suffer in the future, but that's not the point. Turn the discussion towards you and your situation: All that hard work you put into this thankless son of a bitch and he wants to prance around on stage like a fairy? Preposterous. Imagine the pain and shame as a parent you will feel at the wrath of various Asian parents, family members, and other people totally relevant to your child's career. In general, regarding almost every matter of your child, keep a close account of how this will affect you first, and apply guilt liberally to reach desired results.
In case of an emergency, for example, if your Asian daughter wants to marry a black man, just scream as loud as possible, "WHY ME?"
8) Be as Racist as possible
All Asian parents are racists, and you wouldn't be able to compete with the other Asian parents if you weren't racist as well. Anybody or anything that doesn't come from your own country is a danger to your very existence and way of life. Regardless of what historical context you have, just know your country totally rules and your people are better than everybody else.
First, you have to remember that interracial marriage is the cardinal sin of sins, and that mixed children are abominations of Asian society. That is, unless they are a star NFL player.
Second, you have to apply your hatred for something useful, such as motivating your child. Constantly comment on the inferiority of other minorities, and use them as examples of what you don't want your child to become. Don't mind the century, or...civil rights for that matter.
I recall fondly when I was watching President Obama's inauguration, and my mother walks by the television. She says to me, "Why are there so many black people on television today?"
9) How to deal with Sex Education
At some point in life, your child may go through some transformations. You yourself as a parent probably went through this UNCOMFORTABLE subject and stage: this is called PUBERTY. Unfortunately they don't teach you about PUBERTY in Asian countries so this is probably a total mystery to you. However, this is because if you teach kids about SEX they're probably going to go out and FUCKITY-FUCK something. The key is to keep them in the dark for as long as possible, because they may even begin to VIGOROUSLY MASTURBATE if they know too much. Even though PUBERTY is perfectly natural, it's impossible to explain how the PENIS and VAGINA will begin to grow PUBIC HAIR without feeling EMBARRASSED. How would you explain inserting the PULSATING COCK into the PUSSY without being AWKWARD? It's such a SHAMEFUL subject, all this talk about MASSAGING CLITORI (is that the plural form?) and BALLS and such. If you happen to have a daughter, don't even think about mentioning MENSTRUATION. When she turns 10 just leave a box of TAMPONS and some towels on her desk and pray she figures it out. SEX education is pointless and disgusting. There's no point in explaining how the SPERM travels up the VAGINAL TUNNEL to PENETRATE the OVULATED EGG. However, it is highly recommended that you make vague allusions to safe NASTY ASS SEX and the use of LUBRICATED CHOCOLATE FLAVORED RIBBED CONDOMS. Something like, "Don't do anything dirty or stupid" should suffice. It's probably better for them to figure it out on their own by watching porno and discussing the matter with other 13 year old kids anyways.
10) College, Career, and Beyond
The time will eventually come for you to choose a college and career for your child. This can be a very difficult decision for mostly you, since your child doesn't know what's best for you. Fortunately, I've created a wheel to help you make a decision.
Place this wheel on a wall and throw a sharpened chopstick at it. Wherever it lands, that will determine your Asian child's successful college and career.
The best part about being an Asian parent is that as you give your Asian child a direction in life, you can throw around big words without ever having to really explain yourself. Words like success, prestige, and Stanford. See? Sounds amazing, like it's something everybody wants. Tell your child to succeed, to do well, and to do great things. To push the limits and boundaries of greatness, and to make a difference. Throw your child to the world with this advice, and there will be guaranteed success! Whatever the hell that means!
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