A Guide for Asian Parents on Raising Asian Children Part 1
Raising a child is difficult; raising an Asian one that will meet everything that is expected of an Asian child is a down right daunting task. A wise man once said, "It's easier to beat a child than to raise it." I think it was Morgan Freeman in Se7en. At any rate, he's fucking right, and that's basically what it comes down to. I won't go into further details because kicking the crap out of your kid is pretty much a given. What this guide is for is if you want your child to be:
a) a doctor
b) a lawyer
c) an engineer
(circle one)
This guide will give you specific details that will help you lead your child towards success and the envy of other asian parents. There's one cardinal rule that you must never, ever waver from no matter what the consequences, when raising your asian child. There is one question you must always ask yourself:
Will this help your kid get into college?
1) It's never too early
If you want your child to succeed, the bottom line is that you have to start early. This can be a confusing issue for many parents because there are many varying opinions on when you should end his silly childhood and get him started on what is important in life, such as SAT scores, beating white people at math, and making other minorities look bad. Here's the basic truth though; you can NEVER start too early.
Some idiot white scientist who's probably a total liar said that a healthy nurturing childhood involving lots of out door play and socializing is good for kids, but what the fuck does he know? Just remember that Mrs. Kim got her kid started at 5 years old to prepare for the SAT's, and that son of a bitch ended up in Yale. Your child does not have time for Dr. Seuss or any of that bullshit, so get that kid started as soon as possible on some Princeton Review books and some vocabulary cards. Childhood is for chumps anyways.
2) Music and Sports
It is standard procedure for an Asian child to learn how to play at least one instrument. If your Asian child cannot play an instrument, then now would be a good time to give up. Otherwise, I have compiled a list of instruments that are acceptable for Asian children to play:
- violin
- viola
- cello
- piano
Because ivy league schools are extremely conservative, they enjoy seeing classy instruments such as these on college applications. In an effort to compete with white people to get into top universities, Asians have long been attempting to oust all white people from high school orchestras. So far, mission success!
Playing the flute is mildly acceptable, but you wouldn't want your kid to look like a pussy now, would you?
Reminds me of my engineering classes
Sports are an absolute must. Not because it's good for your Asian child's physical and mental health, but because your child will never get into college otherwise thus rendering him useless to you. There are a vast array of sports that are available for your child, and it is tough to choose one that will benefit your child the most. Here are the general rules of thumb for finding a sport that is right for your Asian child:
- can it be played wearing a polo shirt?
- does it involve a golf club, tennis racket or chess board?
Make sure you choose wisely, for private lessons do not come cheap at your local country club. If things don't work out though, you can always have your asian child try some of those more barbaric sports, like volleyball or JV basketball.
3) Encourage your child: by comparing him to other Asian children
There's little in the world that makes Asian children feel better about themselves than being compared with other Asian children, especially ones they know personally. If you ever need to give your Asian child a little motivation, compare your Asian child to anyone from family friends, school friends, to church friends. Throw in a family member or two for good measure. A simple "You know, that Cho Chang is already taking calculus, and she's only 13" will be sure to really light the fire of self-motivation in your Asian child. Is your child's GPA less than 4.0? Has your Asian child failed to get first chair violin in orchestra? Did your idiot Asian child score a measley, miniscule and pathetic 5 in AP Calculus? Rest assured that any problems with school, lack of dedication or talent can all be solved with a simple comparison. Parenting is tiring work, so feel free to post this up on your child's bedroom wall:
Make it a point to constantly remind your children of their weaknesses, by pointing out another Asian child that can pretty much do everything better than your child. Remember though that this is not some silly competition between asian parents' egos; that has absolutely nothing to do with this. This is all about the kids succeeding, okay? So just keep telling yourself that, especially on the ride home from church when you tell your kids what you heard at service about Mrs. Kim's pretty, well behaved, perfect daughter who is a violin prodigy, has a perfect SAT score, is the volleyball team captain and can't seem to decide which scholarship to take: Yale or Stanford.
That fucking cunt.
4) Get your Asian child glasses
All smart Asian kids have glasses, so it is highly recommended that you purchase a pair. In the unfortunate case that your child already has 20/20 vision, have your child wear them anyways until his or her eyes adjust to the acceptable range of vision for smart Asian children.
5) Community Service
Another integral part of success, or rather, your child's college application, is community service. Despite the fact that Asian people in general don't care about homeless people and disabled people and other failures of society, it is highly recommended that your Asian child participates in trying to help somehow. Have your child go build some trailer homes or dog houses or whatever it is Habitat for Humanity does.
6) How to deal with the SAT's
The SAT is quite possibly one of the most critical junctures in your Asian child's life. Either your Asian child scores perfect and goes to college, or you will become the laughing stock of the entire Asian community for having beared mentally retarded children. You should rightfully be very scared, because even if Usain Bolt fucked a jetplane, the resulting offspring would still be slower than the speed of Asian gossip. The other Asian parents will probably know your child's score even before the ETS does.
Unfortunately, it is a harsh reality that your Asian child will most likely not score perfect on the first try. There are however, several proven methods of improving your child's score.
+ Vocabulary Cards
Vocabulary cards are a popular method for improving scores for Asian children. Have your child memorize hundreds of the most obscure words possible, day in and day out in the blind hope that one of these words just might show up on the SAT. Just by pure statistics and odds, this is definitely the most efficient way to approach the problem of poor english skills.
+ SAT Prep Schools
Surprisingly, there is no proof that these schools actually do anything to help your Asian child's score. Despite that, nearly every Asian parent sends their children to these prep schools. Doesn't something like the "Princeton Review" just sound like a really good investment though? "Princeton." Hey, I'm sold!
+ Have your Asian kid duct tape a dictionary to his head
Dictionary duct taping is also a time tested method of improving SAT scores. Every hour that you have a dictionary duct taped to your head, ten new words are absorbed through the skin pores and into the brain. If there are faulty results, it is because some of the longer words will not fit very well through the skin pores. Rubbing vaseline over your child's head will help keep the words lubricated. This knowledge-osmosis method actually works with any subject. If your child seems to fail in all sorts of matters in life, just tape as many books as you can find to your Asian child's head. I personally recommend the "For Dummies" series. Studies have shown that this is about as effective as the previous two methods.
And that concludes this segment of the Guide. Click here for part 2
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