Sex, Karaoke, and a Non-Practicing Virgin
The Meeting
It started out as an innocent night of light drinking on a wednesday night at a korean Karaoke joint, but before I knew it, I was blinking in and out of consciousness while getting a blowjob from some bitch I barely knew. We had somehow managed to stumble through our alcoholic haze into one of the empty Karaoke rooms, and started fucking around. I tried to find the remote to the karaoke machine so that I could start up 50 Cent's "P.I.M.P." and sing along while being serviced. Unfortunately at that moment somebody busted through the door.
The one great thing about Karaoke places that are run by Koreans is that they are actually not part of American territory. They are autonomously governed portions of land ruled under Korean law. That means the drinking age is lowered to 11, you can smoke indoors, eating dogs is encouraged, and beating women is legal. I'm quite serious when I say you can get away with pretty much anything while there. There were no consequences for being caught by the owner with my pants down, and my balls in a chick's mouth. Fucking sweet.
That was pretty much the last thing I remember from that night, and the next morning I woke up next to the naked ass of some chick. I wasn't too sure what to do because I couldn't remember her name, or more importantly, if she's even hot. She's face down so I stick my foot out and try to push her over, but instead she just stirs and begins to wake up. I decide to fuck it (not her) and flee the scene and go straight to work. Perhaps like most things in life, this will just work itself out somehow.
Fortunately, she was gone when I returned. I decide to go check up with one of my best friends, Walsh.
Walsh thinks he's a contemporary artist. Singer, poet, composer, lover of life, and a free spirit. He is also a total raging homosexual. I'm not sure where our personalities overlap other than our complete lack of morals, our immaturity, and our constant support in each other's quest in living a disdainful, childish life of debauchery. Somewhere along there loyalty and some other crap fits in too.
Walsh and I met in college. When I first met him, he had long bangs and a fake earring. I wasn't impressed either.
Walsh was one of many people who happened to be at the Karaoke place, and he began to relate everything he remembered...which was a whole lot more than me. Between us, we had decorated the walls of the bathroom with urine and puke, and had gotten lost for over an hour while driving around trying to find our way back home. The entire way, we were honking the horn and screaming obscenities out the window and making claims about being rich, good-looking and immortal. It was a fucking miracle that we didn't get pulled over and arrested. Or crashed and died for that matter.
We continue to shoot the shit, and Walsh says, "You know, that Katy girl, ***** and ***** banged her too?"
"Who the hell is Katy?"
Walsh busts out laughing. "I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T REMEMBER! HAHA!"
"Oh. Is that the girl I just fucked?"
A few days later, Silo, gives me a call, letting me know that this Katy chick is trying to get my phone number. Silo is like a younger brother to me, although somehow he's usually taking care of my ass. He knew Katy through mutual friends. He wasn't sure if it was in my best interest in giving her my phone number, but he should know better. I knew something about a chick who would blow me within 15 minutes of knowing me would have several qualities I was looking for in a woman.
The following is our conversation in text messages that occurred soon after.
Her: Whats up?
Me: Im at work. What you doin
Her: Running errands. It's such a nice day we should do something
Me: I gotta meet my dad for dinner
Her: Im leaving for arizona tomorrow :( haha but if you busy then its ok
Me:what you doin then?
Her: Im gonna be out later but if you want to see me you could come by my place .. . . ..
[Score. I'm in. My brain has already shut down and it's put my body in dick-cruise control.]
Me: where you live?
Her: Near chinatown. I am good at relieving some stress after a hard day at work lol :p
Me: oh yeah. what you gona do?
[boner rising]
Her: Katy's sexual healing
[we have lift off]
Me: I'm leaving work right now
Me: Im at work. What you doin
Her: Running errands. It's such a nice day we should do something
Me: I gotta meet my dad for dinner
Her: Im leaving for arizona tomorrow :( haha but if you busy then its ok
Me:what you doin then?
Her: Im gonna be out later but if you want to see me you could come by my place .. . . ..
[Score. I'm in. My brain has already shut down and it's put my body in dick-cruise control.]
Me: where you live?
Her: Near chinatown. I am good at relieving some stress after a hard day at work lol :p
Me: oh yeah. what you gona do?
[boner rising]
Her: Katy's sexual healing
[we have lift off]
Me: I'm leaving work right now
Like a Virgin
Silo, Katy, her sister and I decide to first meet up at the same Karaoke place to have a couple of drinks. I'm not thrilled about going to Karaoke because, well, singing along to a bunch of fucking midi songs just doesn't do it for me. However, I figure maybe this time I'll get to sing "P.I.M.P." when I bust a nut - a worthy story to tell my children one day.
Silo and I get there and find a bunch of random dudes there along with Katy and her sister. Katy is sitting next to some other guy who has his arm casually slung over her shoulder. Her sister gives me this awkward look as if I'm going to get mad, because she knew I came out to see her. I don't. Look - when you go to a used car dealership, you can't get mad that they're going to sell you a used up car with 50,000 miles on it and strange stains on the seats. When you go meet a skank, you don't complain that she's acting like a walking vagina with a vacancy sign tacked to it. I knew what to expect when I walked in.
It was a bit awkward at first because I really don't recall a single fucking thing about this girl and I couldn't think of a damn thing to say. I decide it'd be best if I try to replicate the exact course of action that got me pussy the last time. I start ordering drinks all over and like a good little whore she drank them all and was pretty much hammered and horny within 30 minutes.
She whispers to me, "Let's go to another room."
We leave and go to another room. Right before we enter, she mentions, "I just want to suck some dick."
I'm going to get my nuts licked again. God damn I am smart.
After we finish, we go back to the other room. Before we go in, she wipes her mouth with the back of her hand, the same way a fat man does after finishing a long pull from a cold beer. At that moment, I actually felt sick for a moment. How badly was she craving penis that she would actually find this satisfying, if not refreshing? How many fucking dicks has she had in that mouth of hers? Something in the back of my head tells me that this is all wrong. As always, I vehemently ignore my conscience and continue on my path straight to hell.
We go back in and find everybody is still singing and drinking. Katy, in a moment of slut-spontaneity, mounts me and tries to make out with me on the couch. I dodge her mouth, knowing that it was full of my skeet like literally ten minutes ago. Her skirt hikes up and I see her bare crotch is rubbing against me. Extremely uncomfortable, mostly with her jizzed up mouth, I decide to make an escape by going to take a piss.
I was in the bathroom, laughing to myself at the absurdity of the night. I look down to undo my pants and then I saw it. A big fucking bloody red spot near the bottom front of my shirt, right where her vagina was rubbing up against me. I spend a good 5 minutes staring at my shirt with vagina stains on it wondering what my mother would think if she saw this. Suddenly I remembered that I fingered her for a second while in the other room. I look at my hand.
Fuck.
I look at my shirt again. I look in the mirror. I look like I just came out of a fucking UFC fight. I was sad for a moment, until I realized I couldn't let a little period stain stop me now. Nights like this could only get better.
When I return to the room, Katy's sister is trying to convince Katy to sing a song. Katy finally decides that she wants to sing "Like a Virgin" by Madonna.
Just at that moment, in the midst of a drunken sway, Katy uncrosses her legs. Her skirt which barely covered anything, hikes up her thighs, and the entire room sees her cooch. Her sister screams, the other guys turn away awkwardly, and I point at her exposed camel toe and begin laughing hysterically. Before anybody could react any further, she's already gotten up with the microphone in her hand. The "Like a Virgin" melody begins, and she begins to sing passionately to the tune.
"Touched for the very first time!"
She actually closed her fucking eyes for this part.
The room was full of mixed reactions. One of the douchebag guys there just dropped his jaw, not knowing really what to say or do. Silo and I were holding our sides in laughter, and her sister was presented with a moral dilemma. On one hand, this really was hilarious. On the other, this is her sister of her own flesh and blood, standing there looking like a total fucking idiot. But I think our laughter got the best of her and she eventually was laughing as well.
When the song finishes, there was an awkwardness in the air as if something awesome just happened, but somehow it felt a little wrong to laugh about it. Like the aftermath of a clown getting hit by a speeding truck.
I offer to choose another song for Katy to sing. She agrees to this only if I sing with her. I decide on "Barbie Girl" by Aqua since it is a duet of sorts. I tell her I will do the male baritone one liners if she sings to the stupid blonde bitch part. She readily agrees.
This time, there was no holding back. The entire room was filled with disdainful laughter, and the best part was that she was totally clueless. She was singing her fucking heart out, swaying to the music and everything.
I was thoroughly confused that she was so completely unabashed by the entire incident. I mean, the normality with which she walked afterwards was incredible to me. I busted a nut in her mouth, she bled on my shirt, she exposed her pussy to an entire room full of people, and she sang "Like a Virgin" and "Barbie Girl" with the stupid yet intense passion of a contestant on American Idol all in one night - and it looked like this was a regular sunday fucking afternoon to her.
On our way out, I slapped her on the ass and said to her, "C'mon virgin. Let's go."
Not a moment of hesitation out of her, nor a response. Good things were to come...I think.
You need to go on Maury
I've met plenty of soul-less whores in college, but I've never met a real succubus before. I mean, she's like the type of person who would suck dick for crack - and actually enjoy every bit of it. I saw very little benefit to actually being around her; it was mostly the ridiculous things she said to me in conversations or in text messages that were hilarious that made me want to keep her around.
About a week passed since that little debacle with the song about (or the lack thereof) virginity and I was driving home, when I received a text message:
Katy: I forgot wat its like to have ur dick in between my legs :o. ...anyways i haven't gotten my period yet
I almost ran over three people when I read this. I was for the first time in my life, actually disgusted and turned away from an easy lay. Even I have some morals and standards. Well, maybe it's more like a breaking point. I immediately called her.
Me: You haven't gotten your period yet?
Katy: I just missed it that's all.
Me: Doesn't that mean you're pregnant?
Katy: I don't know, maybe.
Me: Uh...what are you gonna do?
Katy: I don't know. I don't want to think about it.
Me: Do you know who the father is?
Katy: No.
I tried my best to hide my snickering, but she heard it.
Katy: Are you laughing?
Me: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!
Katy: You are laughing at the wrong things. This is not funny.
Me: AAAHHHHAHAHAHAH!!!
Katy: SHUT UP.
Me: You need to go on Maury
Katy: Shut up! Stop laughing!
Me: Man that's gross. I gotta go. I'll talk to you later.
After I hung up, I continued to laugh for a good 10 minutes until I realized that if she goes on Maury, I'd probably be part of the lineup of suspects. That wasn't funny at all. But then I always did want to do the Maury victory jig after finding out the kid's not mine. That'd be sweet.
Katy: I just missed it that's all.
Me: Doesn't that mean you're pregnant?
Katy: I don't know, maybe.
Me: Uh...what are you gonna do?
Katy: I don't know. I don't want to think about it.
Me: Do you know who the father is?
Katy: No.
Me: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!
Katy: You are laughing at the wrong things. This is not funny.
Me: AAAHHHHAHAHAHAH!!!
Katy: SHUT UP.
Me: You need to go on Maury
Katy: Shut up! Stop laughing!
Me: Man that's gross. I gotta go. I'll talk to you later.
You're a Ho
We were lying in bed after we just finished fooling around.
Her: Why won't you have sex with me without a condom?
Me: Because you have STD's
Her: No I don't, I got checked up in February
Me: That was like 6 months ago. Do you know how many guys you've fucked since then?
[She actually pauses, starting to count]
Me: Uh, no. That's not necessary. The point is, you practice unhealthy, unhygienic sex.
Her: Why do you keep saying that I have STD's?
Me: Because you're a ho.
[she starts to get up]
Her: WHAT?
Me: You're a ho.
Her: I am not a ho!
Me: Yes you are, you fucked like 500 guys. That would make you a ho.
Her: Are you serious?
Me: No, I'm just kidding.
Her: Oh, ok. Ha ha.
[she lays her head back down.]
Me: Because you have STD's
Her: No I don't, I got checked up in February
Me: That was like 6 months ago. Do you know how many guys you've fucked since then?
[She actually pauses, starting to count]
Me: Uh, no. That's not necessary. The point is, you practice unhealthy, unhygienic sex.
Her: Why do you keep saying that I have STD's?
Me: Because you're a ho.
[she starts to get up]
Her: WHAT?
Me: You're a ho.
Her: I am not a ho!
Me: Yes you are, you fucked like 500 guys. That would make you a ho.
Her: Are you serious?
Me: No, I'm just kidding.
Her: Oh, ok. Ha ha.
[she lays her head back down.]
Penis-sniffer
A couple of days later, she called me during my lunch hour at work to set up another meeting between us.
Katy: What you doing tonight?
Me: I don't know yet.
Katy: Well, my friend wants me to meet a friend of hers, but I'm free after. You wanna meet up after?
Me: Who are you meeting?
Katy: Some guy.
Me: You're going to bang him aren't you.
Katy: Well...uh...would you be mad?
Me: That's fucking gross. You want to meet me right after?
Katy: Ok fine if you don't want me to, I won't fuck him.
Me: You're disgusting. I gotta go.
I suppose it was expected behavior on her part. Isn't that fucking incredible? This guy, who's probably just prodding along with his regular day shit doesn't even know he's going to get fucked that very night.
Katy: oo o cant i just sleep with both of you :( make me happy i am having bad day
me: no. i refuse to do sloppy seconds. thats nasty.
Katy: well you can be the special one to cum inside me ... haha . . . hm jee you picky
me: thats not picky. thats just basic human hygeine. not even animals do sloppy seconds.
[editor's note:
I've been told that I am wrong and that animals do in fact practice sloppy seconds. Thank you to every one of you who has taken the time to correct me with your intimate knowledge on the sexual habits of animals.]
Katy: So you're not going to see me?
Me: I refuse to see you if you're seeing another dude on the same day. That's gross.
Katy: Ok I won't see him
me: I don't believe you.
Katy: You know i am not all about the sex. there has to be some kind of emotions ......lol
me: well gee i guess that explains the multiple porkings per day
The situation at this point was that she eventually called me and promised that she would meet the guy to humor her friend but would not fuck him. I agree to meet with her under this condition. She calls me and tells me to hurry though, so I begin to get suspicious. The following conversation was in text messages:
Katy: you better come out here quick before i start fuking
Me: Oh no! I'll save you! Where are you o damsel in distress?
Katy: I'm going over to his place right now call me when youre in the area
Me: Can you hold out for a whole 45 min? Not to imply you lack self control.
Katy: would you be mad if i fucked him?
me: no, but that's filthy. i'm not doing anything with you then
Katy: why?
me: what the fuck am i supposed to do with cooch that's filled with somebody else's jiz? i'm not going to take a dump in a toilet full of somebody else's shit. i'm going to flush first. unfortunately, your vagina does not come with that neat little feature.
The phone stayed curiously quiet for the next 45 minutes. Eventually we meet up.
Me: You fucked him, didn't you?
Katy: No I didn't. You don't believe me?
Me: Not one bit. You were frantic in trying to get rid of me on the phone.
Katy: Well, I'm like at somebody else's place you know, what could I do.
Me: You sucked his dick didn't you?
Katy: No I didn't!
[silence]
Katy: Would you be mad if he fingered me?
Me: WHAT?
Katy: No I'm just saying, IF he fingered me, would you be mad?
Me: Why the hell would you ask me that?
She didn't reply, but I got a pretty good drift of what happened at this point. We decide to grab a late night meal at Chinatown. Once we find a place that's still open, I order pig intestine noodle soup because funky shit like this in Chinatown always tastes awesome. In retrospect, the dish sounds fucking repulsive and was regrettably bad tasting, but on the other hand, it was very much worth it. Once they brought it out, I see that the bowl is a bloody fucking mess of pig gut and noodles. It's got a pretty potent smell to it, but I dig in.
Katy: This soup smells really funny.
Me: It's not bad.
Katy: It smells weird.
Me: It's intestine.
Katy: It smells like that guy's dick.
I looked up from my bowl of noodle soup, which had just been compared to some dude's cock odor. I looked at her, and stared for a good five seconds. I don't think she was even smart enough to realize that she just slipped.
Me: You smelled his dick?
It was only after I asked this, that she realized that she just fucked up.
Katy: Yeah. Uh. Well, you know, it just kind of popped out. And you know how sometimes you take off shorts, and then like the dick smells...
Me: It just popped out? This isn't Janet Jackson's fucking titty we're talking about, we're talking about a penis, securely covered in shorts. Cocks don't just pop out of shorts. A pair of shorts is not like a tube top where shit just pops out.
Katy: No! You know. It just. Kind of popped out. And it smelled.
Me: You smelled his dick?
Katy:No!
Me: You had it in your mouth, didn't you?
Katy: No I didn't!
Me: You're a fucking liar. And that's gross. You sniffed his cock. That's filthy
Katy: So you're not going to fuck me ever again?
Me: Well, definitely not tonight.
Katy:I didn't fuck him!
Me: I know, you only smelled his dick. Don't worry it's not a big deal. It happens to everybody.
Katy: I didn't do anything with him.
Me: I know I know. You just smelled his penis.
She continued to insist that this guy's penis had its own consciousness and can remove pants on its own. I immediately drove her home and left, thoroughly disgusted, and slightly annoyed that I was actually tricked by this fucking vixen that she wasn't actually going to fuck him. I am thankful to this day that I ordered and ate that pig intestine soup - even if it smelled like some dude's duck butter.
Me: I don't know yet.
Katy: Well, my friend wants me to meet a friend of hers, but I'm free after. You wanna meet up after?
Me: Who are you meeting?
Katy: Some guy.
Me: You're going to bang him aren't you.
Katy: Well...uh...would you be mad?
Me: That's fucking gross. You want to meet me right after?
Katy: Ok fine if you don't want me to, I won't fuck him.
Me: You're disgusting. I gotta go.
me: no. i refuse to do sloppy seconds. thats nasty.
Katy: well you can be the special one to cum inside me ... haha . . . hm jee you picky
me: thats not picky. thats just basic human hygeine. not even animals do sloppy seconds.
Me: I refuse to see you if you're seeing another dude on the same day. That's gross.
Katy: Ok I won't see him
me: I don't believe you.
Katy: You know i am not all about the sex. there has to be some kind of emotions ......lol
me: well gee i guess that explains the multiple porkings per day
Me: Oh no! I'll save you! Where are you o damsel in distress?
Katy: I'm going over to his place right now call me when youre in the area
Me: Can you hold out for a whole 45 min? Not to imply you lack self control.
Katy: would you be mad if i fucked him?
me: no, but that's filthy. i'm not doing anything with you then
Katy: why?
me: what the fuck am i supposed to do with cooch that's filled with somebody else's jiz? i'm not going to take a dump in a toilet full of somebody else's shit. i'm going to flush first. unfortunately, your vagina does not come with that neat little feature.
Katy: No I didn't. You don't believe me?
Me: Not one bit. You were frantic in trying to get rid of me on the phone.
Katy: Well, I'm like at somebody else's place you know, what could I do.
Me: You sucked his dick didn't you?
Katy: No I didn't!
[silence]
Katy: Would you be mad if he fingered me?
Me: WHAT?
Katy: No I'm just saying, IF he fingered me, would you be mad?
Me: Why the hell would you ask me that?
Me: It's not bad.
Katy: It smells weird.
Me: It's intestine.
Katy: It smells like that guy's dick.
Me: It just popped out? This isn't Janet Jackson's fucking titty we're talking about, we're talking about a penis, securely covered in shorts. Cocks don't just pop out of shorts. A pair of shorts is not like a tube top where shit just pops out.
Katy: No! You know. It just. Kind of popped out. And it smelled.
Me: You smelled his dick?
Katy:No!
Me: You had it in your mouth, didn't you?
Katy: No I didn't!
Me: You're a fucking liar. And that's gross. You sniffed his cock. That's filthy
Katy: So you're not going to fuck me ever again?
Me: Well, definitely not tonight.
Katy:I didn't fuck him!
Me: I know, you only smelled his dick. Don't worry it's not a big deal. It happens to everybody.
Katy: I didn't do anything with him.
Me: I know I know. You just smelled his penis.
Deep Thoughts on Romance
At one point, she got the ridiculous notion that we were on the path to something more long-term. She began saying shit to me about how she had feelings for me, and how she thought that we should date.
Katy: I think we should be together
Me: Um. Are you serious? What constitutes being together? Like, what responsibilities would this entail for me?
Katy: Well you know, just boyfriend stuff. That kind of shit.
Me: I have to think about it
Katy: What's there to think about? I like you, I have feelings for you. We should be together.
Me: Does that mean I can't bang other girls anymore?
Katy: well...no. You're mine now.
Me: Does this apply to you?
Katy: Um...yes. I won't fuck anybody but you. Do you like me?
Me: Uh, sure.
Katy: That doesn't sound like you mean it. What do you mean that you have feelings for me?
Me: You provide endless entertainment for me. And you have a nice ass.
Katy: That is not emotional. I mean like, it has to be feeling, you know?
Me: Well, what about you then? Explain yourself.
Katy: You're really cute. You're hot. And uh...hee hee hee...and...I really like your smile.
[No. Seriously. What the fuck? Is she some kind of fucking black hole for brain cells?]
Me: That was quite deep. I'm moved. You like my smile.
Katy: Isn't that like emotional?
Me: Yes, liking my smile is definitely an emotion. You like my smile, I like your ass. I think we make a great couple.
Katy: Haha. So we're together then?
Me: No.
The adventures with Katy unfortunately ended with that, because I couldn't sustain any more conversations with her. Being mean to her and saying fucked up shit to her was fun, but most times she couldn't figure out that I was insulting her, which sort of took the fun out of it. Most of all, whenever I met her all she ever wanted to do was fuck around - which is actually an ideal situation for me. But the fact of the matter is that she was probably alternating between several dudes on any given day. It was mostly that I was afraid of catching some sort of pestilence-like disease from her. I even referred to her crotch as the Black Death once, but she looked at me with a puzzled look on her face. I decided not to explain.
My last recommendation to her was that she should pursue a career in the porn industry. She was actually offended by that comment for some reason.
She called me several times and texted me, but I ignored her attempts. Her final ultimatum was this:
Katy: Whatever I go fuk whoever I want now.
Like we didn't see that one coming.
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Me: Um. Are you serious? What constitutes being together? Like, what responsibilities would this entail for me?
Katy: Well you know, just boyfriend stuff. That kind of shit.
Me: I have to think about it
Katy: What's there to think about? I like you, I have feelings for you. We should be together.
Me: Does that mean I can't bang other girls anymore?
Katy: well...no. You're mine now.
Me: Does this apply to you?
Katy: Um...yes. I won't fuck anybody but you. Do you like me?
Me: Uh, sure. Katy: That doesn't sound like you mean it. What do you mean that you have feelings for me?
Me: You provide endless entertainment for me. And you have a nice ass.
Katy: That is not emotional. I mean like, it has to be feeling, you know?
Me: Well, what about you then? Explain yourself.
Katy: You're really cute. You're hot. And uh...hee hee hee...and...I really like your smile.
[No. Seriously. What the fuck? Is she some kind of fucking black hole for brain cells?]
Me: That was quite deep. I'm moved. You like my smile.
Katy: Isn't that like emotional?
Me: Yes, liking my smile is definitely an emotion. You like my smile, I like your ass. I think we make a great couple.
Katy: Haha. So we're together then?
Me: No.