The Bitches of Food Network
A while back, I was high as shit while looking for something to watch, and I stumbled on the food network. Oh Lord. I watched show after show: chili sauce ribeye steak barbecues, grilled chicken parmesan pasta dishes, an entire show dedicated to the Sour Patch Kids factory. I sat there drooling profusely for hours, and realized that Food Network fucking rules. Alton Brown is quite possibly one of the few people who doesn't cook like a homo, and Bobby Flay rocks the grill. Iron Chef is a close favorite, but there's some white looking japanese retard at the beginning of the show who keeps screaming shit.
Other than that, there are the obvious dangers of a cooking channel. Fat ugly bitches. Bitches who keep talking too much. Stupid women who think they've been empowered by means of succeeding in a kitchen, where men put them in the first place. For the most part, they dominate the daily schedules of a channel that would be my favorite channel...if it weren't for these bitches.
6. Giada
Giada is the only slightly presentable bitch on the food network. In spite of her profession, she is one of the few who made it out of cooking school without turning into a fat worthless turd. Usually I would consider a chick like this decent. Nice body, good smile, and likes to stay in her cell...er...kitchen. Except...
5. Sunny Anderson (token black chef)
Sunny Anderson hosts a show called, "Cooking For Real." When this show was first piloted, it was actually called "Cookin' fo Real Bitchez." But that was too offensive. We wouldn't want to seem racist by using a title that contains language that might in any way emphasize the fact that she's black, right? Forrealz. Anyways, I checked out the page food network made for her...
FOR FUCK'S SAKE WE GET IT. THE BITCH MAKES CHICKEN. Fucking racists.
4. Rachel Ray
i think we just found a new meaning for "fuck face." ...and where the hell is her neck?
Her voice is manly, loud and fucking annoying. I was watching her show once, and I have never seen a bitch talk so fucking much. More cooking, less talking. And maybe less clothing...
I take it back. I can't believe FHM did a special on you, you chubby faced bitch. FHM, this is why you will always be second to Maxim. What the fuck was that month featuring? No-neck-having bitches who won't shut up? Deep throat failure!
3. Fatface Contessa
The actual title of her show is "Barefoot Contessa." Nobody knows why. Because her real name is actually Ina Garten. But obviously, there's been a mixup because the show should be called Fatface Contessa hosted by The Fat One.
I have little else to say because as soon as I saw her filling up the entire width of my 50 inch plasma, I switched channels knowing that I'd probably see more fuckable figures on those diet pill infomercials
2. Guy Fieri
Cooking as a man can be dangerous business, because you risk your masculinity and can possibly end up looking like a complete homosexual. That means as a male chef, you need to do everything you can to radiate un-faggotness when you can. And fellas, here is how you totally fucking fail at that...
...and then end up on a list of bitches. Nice hair cocksucker.
1. Paula Deen
Welcome to Dante's Third Circle of Hell, reserved for the gluttenous. Or rather, all those fat people we made fun of when they were alive. Ain't that great? They live a life of ridicule, and then go straight to hell after. That's right fatty - even God makes fun of you. The Third Circle of Hell is where fat souls swim in a sea of donuts and taffy and it rains butter. And sitting atop a mountain of writhing gluttonous sinners who got gastric bypass and still ended up as fatass shit wads, is Queen Whale Tits herself, Paula Deen.
You know what's worse than a fat ugly bitch? A fat ugly bitch who can't cook. Every episode, she just throws a stick of butter on everything and then yells "Y'ALL" 73 times. That's literally it.
OK you plus size klans-bitch. We know you're from the south and it's getting old. Fucking can't-cook-for-shit sack of lard. You're the reason why starving countries hate us you fat greasy cunt. I can't believe this asshole got her own show just by rubbing butter on every edible fucking thing she could find, all the while yelling unintelligible hick lingo.
Just watch the show, and for the first time in your life, you'll feel the urge to drop kick a senior citizen down a flight of stairs.
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