F.A.W.Q.
Frequently Asked White Questions : Chinese New Years
I've decided to start a series of entries that will be called "F.A.W.Q.", or Frequently Asked White Questions.
I will be answering all those questions that white people have about all things asian, from food, culture, habits, mannerisms, women, etc. All of my answers are heavily researched, and are backed with scientific facts and sources. I am not allowed to reveal the origin of my sources, but a hint is that it's very close to my asshole.
The first topic in the F.A.W.Q. series is Chinese New Years.
- chucky
What is Chinese New Years?
The Chinese celebrate their own new years on a separate date from everybody else. It occurs sometime in late January or in the first week of February.
Why are the Chinese always three weeks late for new years?
The reason why it is not on January 1st, like it should be, is because China uses the outmoded metric system. The metric system is largely known for its lack of practicality in all matters, and is foolishly used in 192 of 195 countries on Earth.
Centimeters, a metric unit for length, is significantly smaller than an inch. The Chinese use the metric system because everything is smaller in China. Not to mention, 10.16 centimeters of penis sounds much more optimistic than 4 measly inches. The metric system also uses smaller units of time, and when converted to standard it causes the Chinese New Years to ultimately start on the wrong date.
What do you say to oriental people on Chinese New Years?
The most popular saying is "Gong Hey Fat Choi." In English it means something like, "congratulations and good luck." If this is too difficult to pronounce, you could always string together any combination of "chings" and "changs" and it'll pretty much be the same thing.
What's in those little red envelopes?
On Chinese New Years, Chinamen exchange little red envelopes filled with money. The envelopes are meant to scare away evil spirits. The envelopes are red because the Chinese are communists.
Why do these Chinese people keep dancing in that silly dragon costume?
That is called the Dragon Dance. The Chinese believe that they have descended from dragons, so the dragon is highly respected in Chinese culture. Unfortunately, evolution mandated that the Chinese would have nothing long and serpentine about them, in spite of their ancestry. This dance is done to ward off evil spirits. There sure are a lot of evil spirits in China.
What about when they're dancing dressed as a lion?
This is what the Chinese call the Lion Dance. Lions actually don't live in China, as you can clearly see in their grossly inaccurate depiction above. Should you ever see those Chinese circus buffoons dancing around in a lion costume, tell them to halt this nonsense immediately and command them to go back to making fortune cookies...or whatever daily tasks the Chinaman immerses himself in.
What's with the Chinese launching fireworks on their New Years?
Because of the numerous evil spirits in China, fireworks are set off on Chinese New Years as yet another method of warding them off. Fireworks and gunpowder were actually discovered in China. In spite of having found this world changing technology, it never occurred to the Chinese to use it to keep the unwanted Mongolian immigrants out. Instead, the Chinese built a four thousand mile long fence along their border in order to stop the Mongolians from taking all the good jobs in China.
I keep seeing this neat asian fish everywhere in the new years decorations. What is it?
This fish is called a Koi. The Koi has long been a symbol of good fortune in Chink culture. If you are white, you should consider getting this tattooed on yourself somewhere. If you require some foreignly cool looking China-word adage on your body, here is a good one you can get right below the koi:
白色曲奇饼
What is some more symbology from Chinese New Years?
Lanterns, dumplings, Wendy's asian chicken salad, lead, fortune cookies and bubble tea are all popular symbols during the Chinese New Years.
Lead?
Lead has been a symbol of luck and fortune for centuries in China. That is why it is found in generous amounts in all the products that come from China. The Chinese were thoroughly confounded when the Americans sent back all those lucky toys.
How does Chinese astrology work?
There are twelve animals and the Chinese cycle through them while assigning an animal to each year. The animals are the panda, dragon, penguin, cock, platypus, tiger, walrus, Bigfoot, monkey, ringworm, turtle and the kangaroo.
There is actually a very complex method involved in figuring out the fortunes/misfortunes of every year based on the animals and some other elements, but as I said, it's complicated. Just know that if you are gay, and it is the year of the Cock...Yahtzee!
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I will be answering all those questions that white people have about all things asian, from food, culture, habits, mannerisms, women, etc. All of my answers are heavily researched, and are backed with scientific facts and sources. I am not allowed to reveal the origin of my sources, but a hint is that it's very close to my asshole.
The first topic in the F.A.W.Q. series is Chinese New Years.
- chucky
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