Observations of Sober Alcoholic at a Club
Whenever I go to the club, I always end up totally wasted because once I'm drunk my one goal in life suddenly turns into trying to get more fucked up. And then I always end up buying like $100 worth of drinks for bitches I don't know, won't know, don't get a number to, can't see their face, etc. My friends and I went to a club in Chicago. I was DD, which means I limit myself to exactly 3 drinks, and I stop about an hour before we leave. Since I'm an idiot, I got there, chugged 3 beers and then I sat there bored and sober for the next 3 hours. While being sober, I spent a lot of time reflecting about things. Like how much it sucks to be totally sober at a club, how stupid some people look at the club, and how much I'd rather be at home taking a dump and looking at those hot ass chicks in those victoria secret catalogs.
Anyways, some thoughts and summaries from what was actually an incident-free night:
1) it's too damn loud
Here's one thing I never understood about clubbing: people who go to clubs to meet people. I can't fucking hear anything. I can never hold a conversation for longer than 30 seconds because I have to yell in that person's ear, and then I gotta back up and let them yell back into my ear, and we keep doing this shit and it's fucking stupid. Most of the time though, I don't really hear what they're saying and I just nod and laugh and shit because that makes everybody feel better about themselves. I never understood how people could successfully get a number/hook up with a girl at a club, because I can't hear a damn thing she is saying. I bet they really don't hear each other either and they're both just nodding and laughing at each other and not hearing shit...and then they always wonder the next morning why they can't remember each others' names.
2) but because it's so damn loud, I get to fart to my heart's content
I generally have a lot of gas, and one of the things I like about a club is that I can fart freely because nobody hears it and nobody smells it. I have laid some fucking glass-shattering, building-shaking, ass-rumbling farts in the club and I'm even polite enough to say, "Safety" after and nobody has yet to catch me in the act. That's right people, all those times you were standing right next to me at the club, in all probability, you were breathing my fart and you didn't even know it. What was really great was that right before I left for the club that night, I was with my mom and she gave me this tall ass glass of milk to drink because she says milk has calcium and shit, which is essential for building strong boners. I am mildly lactose intolerant, and milk makes me fart. For like the next 3 hours. It just happened that I saw this girl that I really, really don't like that night, because she is annoying and ugly and she has no redeeming qualities. There is nothing that differentiates her from a shit waddling pig. Actually even a shit waddling pig can be turned into bacon. She was sitting on a couch in the club. People are usually sitting there all alone being losers or making out with somebody they met 30 minutes ago. I think she was sitting there being a loser. (my recollection of events tend to change to always favor me so I could be wrong.) Since she was sitting, her head was exactly at the same level as my ass. You see, sometimes life presents opportunities which you should never, ever pass up. I knew at that moment what my sole purpose in existing was; to blow my gas right into her face. And like many things in life, the wetter the better. I walked by her and did a hit and run. I blasted a fart right next to her ear. She probably thought it was just the bass from the song. Life is so funny sometimes. Well, maybe not for miss fartface but it sure is for me.
3) it smells like shit
These group of girls that just finished dancing all slutty with each other came back to the bar to have a shot, where I was hanging out. You know how sometimes a hot chick walks by and you can still smell her perfume from when she just walked by? I got that same waft, except it smelled like a fucking petting zoo and perfume. Reminds me of when i spray air freshner after a shit; it smells like flowers and turds. Then I realized all the girls that's been dancing and shit have that musky gym bag full of jock straps smell. I can't believe I never noticed the smell before but these bitches smelled like fucking zoo animals. Or maybe it just smelled really bad that night because I had that glass of milk and I kept farting everywhere I went.
4) some of these girls can't dance for shit
You know, watching everything from a sober vantage really changes your perspective on everything. Just because you're a chick and you're grinding your female friend and acting like lesbians and shit, doesn't mean you look hot, or that you look good doing it. Well, lesbians are awesome, but the fact that I know you're just cockteasing by acting like lesbians is lame. Yeah yeah, I know, "dance like nobody is watching." Well, the problem is, at a club, everybody is. And some of yall just suck and need to consider just sitting down for a minute. My favorite thing to see is when two girls are dancing all slutty with each other and then they try to hump each other too much or somebody bends over too far and then they both fall over and then they end up looking like retards rather than sexy and desirable. That is sweet.
5) guys should never, ever, go on the stage
Most clubs have a gogo girl stage kind of thing, and usually some chick who's really hot, or some nasty delusional she-troll who thinks she's really hot, is dancing on these stages with like 2 of their friends, grinding away with border-line lesbian action. I hate it when there's like some hot chick on there dancing and I'm enjoying the scene, and then some fucking douchebag decides to go up on the stage and dance with her. Everybody is interested in a hot girl with huge boobs dancing, not some fucking popped-collar shirt wearing ass clown trying to rub his crotch on her backside. Man what the fuck are some of these morons thinking.
6) what the fuck is the deal with these weird mexican poncho-looking scarves people are starting to wear at the club?
Look at me. I am fashionably hip and so totally cool with this poncho-terrorist-scarf and a cigarette hanging out my mouth. I also have an ugly asian girlfriend, like most white guys who can't tell the difference between ugly asians and hot ones.
I know, I know. Who am I to judge fashion? My closet consists of 17 white t-shirts and 3 pairs of jeans (not joking at all). But in all seriousness, the first time I saw this shit on a dude, I really tried hard to not laugh. Well I mean at first I thought it was some gangster hankerchief kind of shit, but now I know it's some gay ass fashion trend. I mean, do people realize how fucking dumb this shit looks? Yall look like you're wearing a fucking bib at the club. Or you're ready to blow up airplanes and shit. I seriously was sitting there wondering for the longest time if it was some sort of new kind of poncho.
you could totally pass off as one of the locals.
Then I remembered where I've actually seen these things worn, for an actual fucking reason other than to look like a douchebag. Well...there's at least some practicality here.
Don't worry sir, you will have no problems at the airport security checkpoint.
It took me 30 minutes to find out what the hell these were called because I kept looking up "poncho" on google, but I didn't find anything. So I tried "terrorist scarf." Turns out it really IS those terrorist scarves and shit, and now people are wearing them. Didn't Rachel Ray get into trouble for wearing one while revealing other parts of the female body that is considered inappropriate in the middle east? Like the face?
I censored out parts of the picture that some people might find offensive. Oh wait I missed a spot you can see some of her neck. Curse that heathen whore!
Anyways, I really dont understand this fashion trend - or when people follow it on the grounds that it is a trend. What a bunch of fucking lemmings.
Stumble It!
Bookmark this on Delicious
1301