The Chattering Teeth Blowjob
Before I start with this story, I have to clear the air first. I think in some places on this site, I give off this impression that I fuck a lot of hot girls, or that I've got some sort of pimping secret up my sleeve. That's my bad if I did, because that shit is simply not true. Nearly all of my hook ups are the result of copious amounts of luck and alcohol, and also because I stop discriminating between hot and ugly/fat chicks once I'm drunk. Think of it this way: When rating women on a scale of one to ten, for every drink I have the girl gains one point and loses five pounds. Yes, I'm revealing how you can get in bed with me. Half a handle of vodka and I seriously think I'm fucking Jessica Alba. When in reality it's Helga the Ugly-Faced Attention-Whoring Hog.
With that cleared, one night, I found myself again in the midst of one of my regretful encounters.
I was in my car right in front of one of the Northwestern University dorms at around 4 AM with a freshman girl face first on my nuts. Blowjobs in my opinion are the best things in life. They pretty much make whatever you're doing better. Watching TV, driving a car, eating dinner, etc. I knew her face was nothing to brag about, but at the time I figured I would go with it. I was advised by my female friends that ugly girls give the best blowjobs because they will always try harder, since they have to make up for the fact that their face is a mess and such. Well thanks a lot you cocksuckers. You are all wrong once again, proving that you can never listen to women.
Here's what was wrong with that night, other than her face:
- no enthusiasm
- no depth
- slight cotton mouth
- has sharp teeth
- keeps using the sharp teeth
In short, this was pretty much like jacking off in slow rhythm with a wet piece of sandpaper. Her stats weren't looking too good: a dumb, ugly, slutty chick who sucks at blowjobs. I say slutty, because I barely even tried that night. I literally just pushed her head down, and that was it. That was actually a nifty trick I learned from Thighs.
I thought at the time that the problem was that she was simply being lazy, so I figured that perhaps I could convince her to get more into the mood by giving her encouragements in the form of dialog I had heard in pornos.
"Oh yeah baby, just like that."
"Man, this is soooo good."
"Arf! Arf!!" (ok just kidding)
I noticed there wasn't much reaction so I decided to give up on this entire fiasco. There was just no way I could salvage this night. I knew I had to get the fuck out of there soon. Of course, not until after I had left her a present.
Suddenly, she stopped and looked up. "I'm actually a virgin."
"Uh..."
"Did I just ruin the mood?"
"No. Just get back to work."
"Do you have condom?"
"No. Get back to work."
Hmm...a virgin. I recalled reading somewhere in National Geographic about these things. I think they're supposed to be thrown into active volcanoes to prevent eruption or some such. I shook off the thought and settled back. I looked around and saw that she had steamed up the car, and there was condensation on the windows. Had she seriously broken a sweat? Perhaps this was her best effort. I looked down in disgust at her.
I sighed, and began doodling on the condensation. I drew some stick figures, a flower, a penis, and a happy face. Fuck you sistine chapel.
A few more boring minutes passed, and I finally blew my wad as I cackled in triumph. She looked up and gave me this sweet little smile. Her eyes moved to my masterpiece on the window.
"Did you just draw that?"
"Uh...no."
She stared at me blankly.
"Ok fine, I did."
She laughed. I really failed to see the humor in this. Certainly I found it funny, but her? Is laughter really supposed to be your reaction when you're servicing somebody and he spent the fucking time doodling and not paying attention? You know when else I doodle? In fucking chemistry class - when I'm tired, bored, and annoyed from knowing that I'm wasting my time.
She said to me, "Ha ha. We should go see a movie sometime."
I replied, "Oh don't worry. I'll call you!"
As soon as she got out of the car, I deleted her number and drove off laughing.
Several days later, there was a party at my friends house and I decided to check it out. I was in the backyard with one of my best friends Walsh, drinking beers. I related the story of how I had received a blowjob from one of those chattering teeth toys, except this one had the audacity to demand more of my time to go watch a movie.
While we were in the backyard enjoying our beers and laughing at her expense, to our complete shock, the backdoor swung open and she stepped out. I immediately recognized her and elbowed Walsh. "Holy shit! That's her dude!"
I shit you not this was right on cue; our saber-toothed cocksucker had arrived.
She saw me and Walsh and walked towards us. Because of the timing of her arrival, we were still pointing and laughing at her from the other side of the lawn. She came forth to us with an innocent smile. As I saw her up close in a much more sober state, I realized she was even uglier than I had remembered. I observed her oversized ears sticking out perpendicularly from her head. Something made me want to walk up to her and punch her fucking ears.
"Do you remember me?"
"Nope."
Walsh began laughing retardedly hysterically. You see, Walsh gets rather dramatic when he's drunk, so all his emotions are amplified. When he gets mad, he's breaking as many things as he can find. If he's sad, he turns into a little bawling bitch. When he's laughing, he looks like somebody's tickling his ass, feet and armpits with feathers at once. The situation was already demeaning enough without Walsh laughing at her like she's the fucking village idiot, but Walsh pointed, laughed, wiped his tears, laughed, stomped his feet, slapped his knees, and laughed some fucking more. She did a quick, silent about face and retreated back to the house, attempting to gather what was left of her dignity.
With a quick high five, we resumed our beers.
I later heard that during that week, she fucked something like five different guys. It appears I had opened the slut flood gates. I feel bad for her parents. Theyjust dropped $40,000 to send her child to get an education at a prestigious university and make something out of herself, and now she had turned into the local sperm bank.
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